OK, OK, a new post! Here are my top 20 songs of the past 20 years

Oh fuck it is the last fucking day of goddamn May and I haven't even posted in this godforsaken blog so far this whole fucking month.

Well, I am a busy man, beer doesn't just drink itself. But I am only too aware of just how fucking agonising it is for the world to be waiting impatiently for ANOTHER FUCKNG GODDAMN BLOG POST FROM CARLO SANDS! And so here we go. Buy me a beer sometime. (Like seriously, buy me a beer -- there is a pay pal donate button for that very purpose on the right.)

So... ah... the world eh? Big things have been happening. There are riots in Sweden, fascists marching in Britain and in Germany THE FUCKING GAS CORPORATIONS ARE THREATENING THE BEER!!!

Gawker explains the potential horror story: "If there are two things Germans have traditionally loved, it's purity and beer. Now, according to a German brewers association, both are at risk because of a potential law that would legalize fracking in the country.

"A 500-year-old beer purity law called the 'Reinheitsgebot' is apparently at stake. The 'Reinheitsgebot' states that German brewers can only produce beer using malt, hops, yeast and water. The chemicals produced by fracking could, according to the Brauer-Bund beer association, pollute water in the underground wells used by some breweries."

OK, now, as anyone who watches David Letterman could tell you, it has long been known that fracking is dangerous but HOLY SHIT THIS JUST GOT REALLY FUCKING SERIOUS!

Now, apparently, it's unlikely a fracking law will be passed before September due to pressure on the government. So. We have THREE MONTHS to ensure the German government is made fully aware of the consequences of fucking with German beer.

And to think the beer news got off to a very rare good start this month. Yes, amid all the inventing of shit like "fracking", scientists also managed to actually do something socially useful. They have invented beer with a longer shelf life.

Yes, ABC News reported: "Australian drinkers will soon have the option of buying a beer with a much longer shelf life. A new type of malt barley, developed by Adelaide researchers and a Japanese brewer, can prevent beer from tasting stale as quickly."

Apparently, South Australian farmers are to begin commercial production of the barley this year. And just in fucking time too. What with the growing threat of a climate changed-induced holocaust, now is pretty much the time to start stockpiling beer for the coming collapse of civilisation.

But the most important thing to happen this month, for all of humanity, is I have decided to join in Australian radio station Triple J's Vote for your top 20 songs of the past 20 years poll. Yes, with much agonising, I completed the extremely difficult and time consuming task of compiling the Official Carlo Sands Top 20 Songs From the Past 20 Years List!!!

Now I realise this is pretty much the moment you have all been waiting for -- quite possibly for all of your pathetic, pitiful lives. Before I give the list, I should give a few words about the extremely difficult process of selection -- something anyone who has ever tried to formulate such a list will fully appreciate.

Twenty years is a long, long time. It is actually pretty much the totality of the years I have been seriously listening to popular music. There is just so much to choose from, so many options from some many sources, and just when you think you've nailed it a song you totally forgot about jumps into your brain and demands inclusion! God it was hard.

And *yes*, of course, as anyone who knows me would fully expect, Tom Waits *does* make an appearance on the list. No surprises there!

I hope you will all find this a very interesting and wide-ranging list! And here it is in the the form of a YouTube playlist!


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THE OFFICIAL CARLO SANDS' TOP 20 SONGS FROM THE PAST 20 YEARS LIST


1) TOM WAITS Big in Japan (1999's Mule Variations)



'I got the powder but not the gun. I got the dog but not the bun...' Man is singin' my life here.



2) TOM WAITS Hold On (Mule Variations)



'They hung a sign up in our town, "if you live it up, you won't live it down". So, she left Monte Rio, son, just like a bullet leaves a gun. With charcoal eyes and Monroe hips, she went and took that California trip...' This is a Tom Waits song -- no prizes for guessing how that bid for escape works out. Let's just say 'You gotta hold on'.



3)TOM WAITS What's He Building in There? (Mule Variations)



'What's he building in there? What the hell is he building in there? He has subscriptions to those magazines. He never waves when he goes by. He's hiding something from the rest of us ...' Tom Waits did neighbourhood paranoia and deep-distrust two years before 9/11. Waits always was ahead of his time. You'll note at the end of the (brilliant)video, the last line 'We have a right to know!' is delivered over a grainy shot of a bloke holding an American flag



4) TOM WAITS Alice (2002's Alice)



'And so a secret kiss brings madness with the bliss..' Fuck, this song gets me every single time. One of a handful of absolute Tom Waits classics and *that* is truly saying something.



5) TOM WAITS All the World Is Green (2002's Blood Money)



'Pretend that you owe me nothing, and all the world is green. We can bring back the old days again, when all the world was green...' Oh god. And I thought 'Alice' was a heartbreaker.



6) TOM WAITS God's Away On Business (Blood Money)



'Who are the ones that we kept in charge? Killers, thieves, and lawyers.' Waits takes a look at the state of the modern world and this song -- with his best Cookie Monster vocal -- is the result.



7) TOM WAITS Hoist That Rag (2004's Real Gone)



'The smell of blood, the drone of flies. You know what to do if the baby cries. Hoist that rag.' Waits' savage take on patriotism and war.



8) TOM WAITS Dead and Lovely (Real Gone)



'Everything has its price, everything has its place. What's more romantic than dying in the moonlight?' Like a film noir storyline, this Waits song is hardboiled -- deadly and tragic in equal measures.



9) TOM WAITS Green Grass (Real Gone)



'Lay you head where my heart used to be. Hold the earth above me. Lay down in the green grass. Remember when you loved me.' AARRGGH for god's sake Tom! Stop it. Stop just creating brilliant achingly heatbreaking songs one after the other. STOP PUTTING EVER OTHER SONGWRITER ON PLANET EARTH TO SUCH SHAME! It is not nice.



10) TOM WAITS Make It Rain (Real Gone)



'She took all my money, and my best friend. You know the story, here it comes again...' A true Waits blues classic.



11) TOM WAITS Low Down (2006's Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers & Bastards)



'She's a gone lost dirt road. There ain't no way back I been told. Well she's a story they all tell. She's a rebel, she's a yell.' Great Waits rocker...



12) TOM WAITS Lord I've Been changed (Orphans)



'Well, I know I got religion, Lord knows I'm not ashamed...' Now come on, you tell me with a straight face you've come across a better clip than this one right here over the past 20 years...



13) TOM WAITS Walk Away (Orphans)



'There are things I've done I can't erase. I want to look in the mirror see another face. I said, "never", but I'm doing it again. I wanna walk away, start over again.' Sing it, Tom.



14) TOM WAITS Down There By The Train (Orphans)

'There's no eye for an eye, there's no tooth for a tooth. I saw Judas Iscariot carrying John Wilkes Booth.' This Waits song is so good, it was first released by Johnny Cash.



15) TOM WAITS Long Way Home (Orphans)



'Well I stumbled in the darkness, I'm lost and alone...' Christ, another killer heartbreakingly bittersweet love song by Tom Waits. Goddamn the man, goddamn him.



16) TOM WAITS Take Care of All My Children (Orphans)



'You can put all of my possessions here in Jesus' name. Nail a sign on the door...' Yeah you fucken tell 'em.



17) TOM WAITS Raised Right Men (2011's Bad As Me)



'I said there aint enough raised right men... there's your trouble...' Just so very true.



18) TOM WAITS Talking At the Same Time (Bad As Me)



'Well it’s hard times for some; for others it’s sweet. Someone makes money when there’s blood in the street...' Yep.



19) TOM WAITS New Year's Eve (Bad As Me)



'It felt like four in the morning, what sounded like fire works turned out to be just what it was. The stars looked like diamonds, then came the sirens.vAnd everyone started to cuss...' New Years Eve Tom Waits' style.



20) HAYES CARLL She left me For Jesus (Trouble in Mind)



'I'm a gonna get even, I can't handle the shame. Why last time we made love, she even called out his name...' Ah Texas country singer Hayes Carll... there is no "greatest songs" list worthy of the name with him -- except my Top 25 Songs by Female Artists one, of course. Man did make my "best songs about war" list though.


Well there it is people! I have been as fair as possible and tried to source my songs from the widest possible sources (sure there are just three tracks off Mule Variations and six from Orphans but Orphans *is* a triple album) so I am pretty sure there is no possible basis for complaints.

But I have learned, in such matters, it is pretty much impossible to please everybody. So *no doubt* there will be those of you eternal malcontents who will want to insist "why only ONE song from Alice? What the fuck about, say 'Another Man's Vine'?" Or, with some justice, you might want to know how it was possible to leave Hayes Carl's "Knocking Over Whiskeys" off the list (to that, all I can say is, well it was all the fucing Tom Waits songs that did it).

So if, depsite all the hard work and agony that went into this list, you really think you can come up a better top 20 songs from the past 20 years, or just just wanna throw in one or two suggestions, well by all mean s use the comment section. I mean I have NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN FUCKING READ YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT MUSIC CRITICISM SO JUST GO RIGHT AHEAD MOTHERFUCKERS! GO ON! FUCK YOU!

Also, if you want to buy me a beer (and who doesn't?) you can via the pay pal button on the righthand sid of this blog.

'The colour of blood I'd say' -- songs on the horror of war

Today is Anzac Day, commemorating the day a contingent of Australian and New Zealand young working class men landed at Gallipoli in a bungled invasion of the Ottoman Empire on behalf of the British Empire -- and got slaughtered in weeks of horrific mass carnage of unspeakable horror. It is ridiculous and tragic in equal measure that this horrific example of industrial scale killing is used to bolster nationalism and militarism, to help justify MORE killing.

Wel, I wrote a column, my weekly Carlo's Corner for Green Left Weekly, called Gallipoli -- Never forget, and never forgive that gives my views on this issue. Rather than repeat that here, I have produced a list of songs on the horror of war (in the case of the first three, specifically on Gallipoli). Then, three songs on *responses* to the horror of war.

The list is not intended to be complete. These are just the songs that I love that occurred to me today. You got others, don't fucking complain it is not on there, put it in the goddamn comments section. You can go to a Youtube playlist based (but not 100% the same) as the list below.

THE HORROR



'If I was asked I'd say/The colour of the Earth that day/It was dull and browny red/The colour of blood I'd say'




'Death hung in the smoke and clung to four hundred acres of useless beachfront.' All the songs, each a snapshot of the horror of war, from PJ Harvey's 2011 'Let England Shake' album are on this YouTube playlist. The lyrics of each can be read here.




'How well I remember that terrible day when our blood stained the sand and the water. And how in that Hell that they called Sulva Bay, we were butchered like lambs at the slaughter.' Liam Clancy's live version above is pretty untouchable version of this song, but for the best recorded version, you cannot go past The Pogues rendition.




'Well the suffering, the sorrow, the glory, the shame, the killing, the dying, it was all done in vain.' The sound quality on this clip is not the best, but the emotional weight of the performance makes it worth going with this version. The best recorded version is the fantastic rough-edged rendition by early folk punk band The Men They Couldn't Hang.




'Frankie kicked a mine the same day mankind kicked the moon. God help me, he was going home in June.' The Herd provide a hip hop cover of Redgum's classic about an Australian soldier sent to Vietnam.




'At least we’re winning on the Fox Evening News.' Richard Thompson on the horror of the Iraq War, the title taken from British soldier slang for 'Baghdad', filled with other pieces of slang coz 'no one dies when we're speaking double speak'.




'The smell of blood, the drone of flies. You know what to do when the baby cries. HOIST THAT RAG.' Tom Waits, asked about his 2004's Real Gone album that contained anti-war songs for the first time in his career, said singing protest songs was like "throwing peanuts at a gorilla". But Waits has a good throwing arm and his aim is true.




'How is it that the only ones responsible for making this mess got their sorry asses stapled to a goddamn desk?'




'I'm not fighting for justice. I'm not fighting for freedom. I'm just fighting for another day in the world here.'




'Yeah, you tell me that this is not a dream. I've become a steel spring. Uranium tips, night vision cruise missiles gonna cut the belly out of the sky.' The Drones perfectly capture the horror of war throughout the past century... right up to the sheer unspeakable horror of the permanent, endless so-called "war on terror". Read all the lyrics.



THE RESPONSE



Bob Dylan-Masters of War(graphic) by ccharlie182

'And I hope that you die. And your death'll come soon. I will follow your casket in the pale afternoon. And I'll watch while you're lowered down to your deathbed. And I'll stand over your grave 'til I'm sure that you're dead.'




'Political scum, political scum, you lead the way, you beat the drum...' Irish American celtic punk band The Tossers give their considered view on politicians who send young working class people to kill and die. But the best response of all is....




'Right proudly high over Dublin Town they hung out the flag of war. Twas better to die 'neath an Irish sky than at Sulva or Sud El Bar.' A rising. The best response to the horror of industrial-scale slaughter for Great Power is to rise up against the Great Power -- and strike out for freedom. Ireland's 1916 Easter Rising against British rule was driven in large part by opposition to the imperialist slaughter in Europe... to keep Irish people, facing the threat of conscription being introduced by their British masters, out of the war and to strike a decisive blow at one of the Great Powers responsible for the carnage.

Sadly, they lost -- so an even better response was the Russian Revolution, which won, took Russia out of the war and was a decisive factor in ending the slaughter as the generals of all belligerent nations began to fear the example of a successful slave revolt on their ranks.


TWO BONUS TRACKS

They don't quite fit, but they deserve a special mention...




'Tell me I'm a hero now, so someone else can fight this war...' Texas country singer Hayes Carll's surrealist, hallucinatory, drug-fuelled tale of a soldier in Afghanistan.




'Sent me off to a foreign land. Said go and kill the yellow man. I was born in the USA...' Worth including just because it is so misunderstood. Widely mistaken for a patriotic song, even Ronald EReagan -- to Springsteen's bemusement and anger -- used it as a presidential campaign at one point. By the 1990s, Springsteen had taken to performing the song acoustically or so stripped back (like above) that the words and their meaning were impossible to misunderstand. This song is only pro-USA is you think poverty, lack of opportunities, the send of womring class youths to foreign wars, and the abandonment of those who fight and widespread unemployment are good things. Which, in Reagan's defence, I think he actually did.

'May the judged be their judges when they rot down in hell' -- Fuck you Maggie

What the media should do, of course, is take all their editorials and op eds about a world famous politican who has died -- with their "authoritarian" and "tyrant" descriptors and their tales of economic destruction and class hatred and rising corruption and society breakdown and support for dictators -- and just do a simple find/replace, removing "Hugo Chavez" and inserting "Margaret Thatcher". Just to save some time.

The two leaders, one who died on March 5 the other on April 8, left rather different legacies -- one, for helping the poor, at home and overseas. The other for waging war on the poor, at home and overseas.

One of these two leaders' deaths sparked widespread mourning, the other street parties. Check out these images and see if you can guess which one was the "tyrant"...

HUGO CHAVEZ DIES



Hundreds of thousands of people accompany Hugo Chavez's coffin onthe streets of Caracas



Venezuela's streets were scenes of outpourings of grief.




Real News report on mourning for Chavez in Venezuela and beyond


MARGARET THATCHER DIES:



Celebrations break out in Glasgow's Green Square after news of Thatcher's death.



Thousands gather outside Belfast's City Hall to celebrate news of Thatcher's death.



A street party in Liverpool with fireworks -- to mark the death of a leader who tried her hardest to destroy the city.


So a murderer and torturer, who denounced Nelson Mandela, befriended the worst dictators like Chile's General Pinochet and gave Pol Pot a helping hand has finally fucked off to Hell.

The corporate media are eulogising her and expressing "disgust" at those who have the gall to be happy at the demise of their greatest tormentor.

But even when they might feel obliged to give some nod of recognition to the savage class war Thatcher waged across Britain, there is one aspect likely to be largely ignored -- on top of Thatcher's infamous assistance to pro-Western dictators all over the world, there was Thatcher's policies of murder and torture in the cause of deepening British control over the six counties in Ireland's north.

It is well known that -- on top of the torture and abuses in prisons and the campaign of killings and repression in Ireland's north -- Thatcher's refusal to compromise in the case of the hunger strike by republican prisoners in the infamous Long Kesh camp lead directly to the death of 10 men.

Under Thatcher, the policies of repression against the Irish struggle extended onto mainland Britain, with the gross violation of the rights of Irish people living in England that included the framing by means of torture of innocent people for bombings they had nothing to do with.

Censorship is a sign of a guilty regime -- the truth cannot be allowed out. And so the censorship in Thatcher's Britain on "the Irish question" went to absurd lengths -- Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams' voice was even banned from being broadcast. But it was not just Adams' voice -- a song by a popular band that dared deal with the topic was banned from public broadcast and a TV performance of the song was pulled from the air.

The song was The Pogues "Streets of Sorrow/Birmingham Six". Pogues frontman Shane MacGowan is now better known as an irredeemable drunk, but his lyircs savaged the British state crimes against the Irish people -- in Ireland and Britain. It campaigned for freedom for the Birmingham Six and Guildford Four -- framed for bombings they didn't commit, both before Thatcher came to power, but whose suffering continued under her government while attempts to get out truth were censored.




Thatcher's regime was one that could not even bear to hear about its own crimes in a song...





...There were six men in Birmingham
In Guildford there's four
That were picked up and tortured
And framed by the law
And the filth got promotion
But they're still doing time
For being Irish in the wrong place
And at the wrong time

In Ireland they'll put you away in the Maze
In England they'll keep you for seven long days
God help you if ever you're caught on these shores
The coppers need someone
And they walk through that door

You'll be counting years
First five, then ten
Growing old in a lonely hell
Round the yard and the stinking cell
From wall to wall, and back again

A curse on the judges, the coppers and screws
Who tortured the innocent, wrongly accused
For the price of promotion
And justice to sell
May the judged be their judges when they rot down in hell...

May the whores of the empire lie awake in their beds
And sweat as they count out the sins on their heads
While over in Ireland eight more men lie dead
Kicked down and shot in the back of the head ...





'Five simple things we asked of them, five simple things denied. But Thatcher would not compromise...'




Scenes of jubilation in celebration at Thatcher's death on Falls Road in Belfast. You can hear the banging of bin lids -- a highly symbolic gesture as the banging of bin lids was used on Falls Road (and other places in the nationalist community) to announce the death of each of hte 10 young men Margaret Thatcher let starve to death in 1981.


SO HAVE A FUCKING DRINK COZ OUR VICTORIES ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN... BUT WE ARE STILL HERE AND MAGGIE THATCHER IS NOT!!!

My top 25 songs by female artists -- FINALLY THE WORLD CAN KNOW!

So, like, in 2010, in response, like, to Triple J's "top 100 songs of all time poll" coming up with only two songs sung by women, the socialist youth organisation Resistance ran this, like, poll themselves to determine the top songs ever by female artists.

Anyone who wanted to take part got to send in 25 songs and, like, I *totally* took part and my votes kinda made no difference to anything but you know, kids these days eh? But I was not put off and, like, was totally determiend to *immediately* get my *shit together* and put my 25 songs onto this VERY HERE BLOG so the world could see the *TRUE* list.

That was, like, three years ago now. And every year, espeically around International Women's Day, I think: "THAT IS IT I WILL GET IT DONE RIGHT NOW!" and something happens, like I go and get another beer. And then nothing happens.

BUT FEAR NOT HUMANS! I have finally decided ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and HERE IS MY LIST OF THE 25 GREATEST SONGS BY FEMALE SINGERS EVER!!!

I shall make a few brief points of introduction. One is, this list has changed a fair bit over three years. There are songs and artists I didn't really know then that I have had no choice but to include. Also, my tastes have shifted -- there is less indie guitar pop stuff and more country-flavoured glorious storytelling brilliance.

And, as it is not a competition, the criteria has changed a bit too -- I don't feel the need to pick a particular song by an artist I like just coz that I think *that one* will have some chance of getting other votes too (not that this made any difference).

But most importantly, this is no longer an attempt to make a case for the "greatest songs ever by female singers". Such a list is highly subjective anyway, and there is always so much any individual hasn't heard. So, now, the list is just simply 25 songs I happen to like a lot by female singers.

As a result, it acts as a bit of a intro into some of the acts I think are cool, and as a result there are few multiple songs by acts I love, coz I just cannot bring myself to only choose one -- it doesn't do 'em justice. Also, it ranges from very well known acts like PJ Harvey through to far less known (but should be well known) acts from Australia -- such as the brilliant Cash Savage and Mojo Juju.

There is no doubt many songs I am missing, and would have added if only I have thought of them. So, less "25 greatest songs by female artists", it is just "25 songs by female artists that I really like".

So here it is (in no particular order). (And here it is handily compiled in a YouTube playlist for your listening pleasure.)

You don't like it, go and fucking make your own list you useless whining motherfuckers.

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"This world is crazy, give me the gun." Wise words from PJ indeed. Is this really better than a good half dozen other songs from her 2000 clssic Stories fFrom the City, Stories From The Sea, let alone countless others from albums before and since? That would be a big call. But, as it is pretty much just impossible to chose, fuck it. "Big Exit" kicks it off.






"Death was everywhere,
In the air
And in the sounds
Coming off the mounds
Of Bolton's Ridge.
Death's anchorage.
When you rolled a smoke
Or told a joke,
It was in the laughter
And drinking water
It approached the beach
As strings of cutters,
Dropped in the sea and lay around us.

Death was in the ancient fortress,
Shelled by a million bullets
From gunners, waiting in the corpses
With hearts that threatened to pop their boxes,
As we advanced into the sun
Death was all and everyone.
Death was all and everyone.

As we advance in the sun
As we advancing every man
As we advancing in the sun

Death hung in the smoke and clung
To four hundred acres of useless beachfront.
A bank of red earth, dripping down
Dead is now, and now, and now
Death was everywhere
In the air
And in the sounds
Coming off the mounds
Of Bolton's Ridge.
Death's anchorage.
Death was in the staring sun,
Fixing its eyes on everyone.
It rattled the bones of the Night Horsemen
Still lying out there in the open

As we, advancing in the sun
As we, advancing every man
As we, advancing in the sun
Sing 'Death to all and everyone'."

If picking a song from PJ Harvey's general career was near impossible, picking one song off Harvey's stunning concept album on the horror of war (2011's Let England Shake) was a task to drive the best of us totally insane. Luckily, I am *far* from the best of us and a long way from sane. So here is this heartbreaking gem on the topic of the horrific slaughter at Gallipoli in 1915.






"Take another little piece of my heart now baby..." Some bastard ripped out Janis's heart and so then she ripped out her lungs and throat to let us all know about it. There is nothing else to say, except that if you think that is a great vocal performance...





"Honey I know she told you that she loved you much more than I did." ... then check the this shit out.






“We’ve lived in bars and danced on tables.” There is no denying it, this song by Cat Power speaks to me.






“Who needs love when there’s Southern Comfort?” That line alone from the Dresdon Doll's Amanda Palmer would warrant a spot on this list. But you place it in the context of Palmer's witty, ironic and increasingly desperate impassioned plea against the empty superficiality of the world around her, and... well... I kinda think I wrote that sentence badly and this part is redundant.






“I’m armed and I’m equal. More fun for the people.” That’s all that needs to be said, really. This track from M.I.A. is, once more, just one of a number that could be inserted here.






"Don't try and push me coz you'll get a reaction. Another drink and I'm ready for action." Lily Allen exploded onto the popular music scene with 2006's Alright, Still, brimming with attitude, swaggering, and giving one finger to sexist pricks and another to the world in general. This song sums up her approach. She was a young woman who refused to play by the set rules -- she drank, swore, and sung about screwing who she wanted and demanding her own pleasure... and the response from much of the media was predictable. I discuss Lily Allen and this phenomena in my blog post Explaining Lily Allen.






"Oh Jesus Christ almighty. Do I feel alright? No not slightly." Lily Allen's witty take on trying to live under late monoply capitalism... the hurt, frutration and anger at the "way that things go" just barely below the surface.






“God blessed me, I’m a free man. With no place free to go.” Neko Case sums up the entire capitalist system in 13 words.






“It’s not the smell in here that gets to me, it’s the lights. I hate the shadows that they cast. And the sound of clinking bottles is the one sure thing I’ll always drag with me from my past.” Such vivid imagery in this destroyingly beautiful melancholic song about love and guilt and memories.






"Here comes that feeling that I'd forgotten
How strange these streets feel
When you're alone on them
Each pair of eyes just filled with suggestion
So I lower my head, make a beeline for home
Seething inside"

Just to prove it is was not a one-off, there is this equally compelling poetic tale of feeling ambivalent, but ultimately happy, over the end of a relationship. Every line paints a picture -- and at times cuts deep. And the Cowboy Junkies can do devastating social criticism -- just check out This Street, This Man, This Life with its terrifying depiction of the horrors that lurk in surburbia ("This street holds it's secrets like a cobra holds it's kill / This street minds it's business like a jailer minds his jail / That house there is haunted / That door's a portal to hell / This street holds it's secrets very well").






"We're hanging here within an inch of our lives from the day we're born till the day we die..." This is the glorious country folk husband-and-wife duo Shovels and Rope. Cary Anne Hearst and Michael Trent mix up songwriting and singing duties, and Carly takes the lead for this one. Check out some more in this Shovels and Rope playlist I created.






"She said 'I know there's something deeper here I'm supposed to discover, but all I really want tonight is to find myself a lover. Cowboys are my weakness so won't you buy me a drink. Whiskey is my poison that way I don't have to think about it..." There is great bit at the end of the performance of this gem of a track by Kate Mann when some bloke yells out "Who *wrote* that song" and Mann looks up and says "I did".






"I've got your memories, or... has it got me?" It was very difficult to pick just one track by Patsy Cline, who evokes pain with such heartfelt simplicity... For further evidence, you could pick pretty much anything she recorded, but you good examples are Why Can't He Be You and If You've Got Leaving On Your Mind. Not recommended if you've spent an evening drinking by yourself... unless you like to cry.






"I was drinking here last night, and drinking here the night before too. And if you're looking for me tomorrow, you can bet I have nothing better to do..." Cash Savage, the heartbreaking blues singer from country Victoria, knows how to rip your heart out and stomp it into the dirt. When I first heard this song, I thought that songs just don't get much better than this. But then I heard...






"It took 19 years to find her. And three years to make her mine. We had four good years of loving. But it only took two words to bvreak her heart..." Oh, jesus christ. Just... holy shit that is a song. Fuck.






"Down at the Cross, out in the street, I shot somebody she loved more than me..." The first time I ever came across Australian singer Mojo Juju, she was part of a group of artists performing a Tom Waits tribute night at The Vanguard in Newtown, Sydney. Mojo Juju came out and gave a passionate speech about just exactly why she adored Tom Waits... which would have won me over by itself, but when she sung a spinechilling version of "Alice" to close the night... the whole place was under her spell. This accoustic recording, and the one below, don't quite do justice to Mojo Juju, who comes to life with a band playing live. But you can go and find that out for yourself on YouTube. The simplicity of these recordings, however, highlight her quality as a singer-songwriter.






"Did you see me last night in the carpark? Holding hands with a beautiful girl? Standing in the wind as the train rushed by, hoping it'd blow me on outta this world ..." It is not surprising Mojo Juju loves Tom Waits so much, she shares his knack for telling the stories of hopeless but deeply felt love.





"Queers and straights unite ... standing in the way of control, we live our lives!" Gossip's 2005 song was sparked by anger at the homophobic policies of the then-Bush administration. More than just a call to arms, it is a celebration of the daily resistance of simply living your life as you are.






"When you're ready we can share the wine... Call me." Simply because there is no way such a list could be considered complete without Blondie.






"I aint done nuthin' cept kill a man what belongs to me..." Blues singer Victoria Spivey's 1927 track. You wanna know why? Check out the next track.






"From the start most every heart that's ever broken, was because there always was a man to blame." Kitty Wells is to the point in this early example of an "answer song" (it was recorded in answer to a Hank Williams track Wild Side of Life which blamed "loose women" in honky tonk bars for leading men astray).





"There's a guy work's down the chip shop swears he's Elvis, just like you swore to me that you'd be true..." Ah, the lamentably late Kirsty McColl combines insanely catchy pop and a honky tonk vibe with a "fuck you" punk rock attitude ... just a classic... what popular music should be...







"Right proudly high in Dublin town, they hung out a flag of war. 'Twas better to die 'neath an Irish sky, than at Suvla or Sud el Bar." It is nearly Easter again, the anniversay of when Irish freedom fighters rose in 1916 -- not just to strike blow for Irish freedom but against the horrific imperialist system slaughtering millions of working people for Big Powers in the so-caled "Great War" of 1914-18. In other words, against the horrors depicted in the second song in this list -- PJ Harvey's "All and Everyone". It is a classic Irish rebel song, and Sinead O'Connor can damn well sing.



That is it. Don't forget, you can listen to offical YouTube Playlist for this blog post here. If you got better suggestions? Feel free to use the comment section. Or, you know, just KEEP YOUR GODDAMN IDEAS TO YOURSELF.

Wow, what a huge couple of weeks in world events! On dictators, popes, Wanderers and... a BRAND NEW CONVERSATION FILM!

Well, what a huge few weeks it has been in world events!

It has truly been one dramatic development after another. Let's just start with March 5, when Venezuelan tyrant Hugo Chavez lost his final battle with cancer and is no doubt rotting in Hell for all of his terrible and well-documented crimes against humanity -- such as winning 15 elections in just 14 years, eradicating illiteracy and calling George Bush a war criminal.

I detail more of the terrible crimes in the most recent Carlo's Corner at Green Left Weekly. But be warned, it is pretty confronting stuff, so maybe don't read it while eating. Especially, if like the Wall Street Journal's Mary O'Grady, you cannot stomach what she refers to as "the mob", but who are also commonly known as "ordinary people". (It is always so *unsettling*, isn't it, when the mob vote for a politican and then the politican keeps his promises and enacts polices in their favour. It is *so* cheating to, like, take democracy *totally* literally and shit.)




Like all dictators,Chavez had a deep fear of his own people. Above, he is confronted by angry Venezuelan citizens protesting the spread of free education and health care. Below, Chavez tries to flee from steel workers furious the tyrant had nationalised their exploitative multinational steel giant boss and then signed a collective contract granting their demands.




And a new Pope! WE FINALLY HAVE A NEW POPE I WAS SO LOST WITHOUT ONE AND NOW THERE IS A NEW ONE AND HE HATES WOMEN AND GAYS AND EVERYTING! HE'S PERFECT!

Oh, sure he helped Argentina's fascist military dictatorship commits its crimes against humanity, but, I mean come on, who among us can honestly say we have not kidnapped and tortured the odd priest?

It is an intersting thing, though, the media coverage of all this. Pope Francis supports the poor and Chavez was a tyrant. *Such* a strong grasp of reality.




'Oh come on! We've all helped kidnap the odd priest!'


And, of course, news just doesn't get much bigger than the Western Sydney Wanderers smashing Melbourne Heart in Melbourne to win an A-League record of TEN GAMES IN A FUCKING ROW.

The win goes a long way to ensure they are premiers in the THEIR FIRST EVER FUCKING SEASON with less than half the players' wage bill than their uptown rivals Sydney "Bling" FC ("Bling" is not an insult I invented ... they actually CALLED THEMSELVES "BLING" AS A MARKETING PLOY), with a team made up mainly of cast offs from other teams and with fuck-all resources.




YES! WANDERERS!!! The players (above) and fans who travelled down from Sydney (below) celebrate in the rain after the Wanderers win a record 10 games straight in Melbourne on March 16.




But the without any doubt the biggest and most dramatic news of this month came on March 1 ... YES it was the day so many believed they woud never see, but after an *agonising* 20-months wait, the world was finally rewarded with the release of A NEW CONVERSATION FILM BY CARLO SANDS AND BEN!!!!

Following on from the glory that was the critically acclaimed blockbuster Conversation IV: This Time it's Sensual, myself and Ben finally caved to the ceaseless demands of our fans and produced the much anticiapted sequel Conversation V: The Return -- a heartwarming film based on the true story of Ben's leaving from and return to Sydney. CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!




The latest installment in the groundbreaking 'Conversation' film series tackles the big issues of loss and rediscovery in the journey of life. As one critic, called "Ben", movingly wrote: 'Watching this film is like squeezing a pimple of joy and getting the pus of happiness in your eye'.


Christ, I swear to God this is more excitement than anyone could be expected to bear. So... I know... why don't you relax and have a chuckle or two by watching my entry into the Five Minutes Live stand up comedy online video competition... all you have to do is sign in, watch it and =thejn click like if you like it... I am currently ahead, but it runs until September and if I am ahead in Septmeber I win FIVE FUCKING GRAND AND I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL BU YOU A BEER I PROMISE YOU! TRUST ME!




'And nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all...' Wow, how wrong were Scottish band Del Amitri in this single from 1989?

An important message for Valentines Day, plus a poem and a Tom Waits song!

HELLO! It is Valentines Day and, being the famous romantic that I am, I feel it is important for me to pass on the most crucial piece of information *anyone* could ever give you about relationships. Yes, Uber Facts explains COUPLES WHO DRINK TOGETHER ARE MORE LIKELY TO STAY TOGETHER.

The article explains what *should* be obvious: "Researchers reviewing data collected from 19,977 married couples in one county in Norway reported that spouses who consume about the same amount of alcohol were less likely to divorce than pairs where one partner is a heavy drinker and the other is not ..."

It is just *so sad* when one person is so willing to threaten a relationship by selfishly refusing to drink. As we all know, *it takes at least two* to have a drinking game.





A happy couple.


This might all seem obvious, but we live in strange and disturbing times. Specifically, we live during the so-called FebFast -- a horrific idea whereby a bunch of fools decide to give up drinking *for an entire month*. February *is* the shortest month of the year, yes, but it is still 28-days too long between beers.

I really have no idea why *anyone* would wish to make themselves so goddamn miserable, but even *I* know of at least two people who decided to take part. Luckily, one of them didn't even last a week. The other may well be a lost cause for humanity. But we can all pray for their soul, I suppose.

I am sure you all want to know who is CARLO SANDS' Valentine, so here is the poem I wrote to my TRUE LOVE:

Roses are red,
violets are Blue
Dear Western Sydney Wanderers
I'll always sing for you





'We'll always love you, never betray you...'



What the poem lacks in metre, style, originality and talent, it makes up for with passion. AND PASSION IS NOT A CRIME!

Obviously, I tweeted it to the the Official Twitter Account of the Western Sydney Wanderers, *certain* in the fact they would *love it* and/or block me and take out an AVO. AND SURE ENOUGH THEY RETWEETED IT! And I am yet to hear any word of an AVO, so all is looking good!

I am so glad, coz I can't take much more rejection. Earlier today, I tried to become Nathan Fillion's Valentine. (If you don't know who that is SHAME ON YOU HERE IS A PIECE I WROTE EARLIER ON THE TOPIC).

Fillion tweeted: "Now taking Valentine Applications. No guilt trips or sob stories- GO!" And dozens of his followers got accepted for saying all kinds of random things, like "I'll give you $1.50 and a jolly rancher.” To which Fillion said "Sold. In". Or "I'm a cardiology student, i know the best way to your heart", which got a "Gross. In."

Or even this one: "My safe word is 'Apples'." to which Fillion saw fit to respond: "In. Apples."

Me? I spoke from the heart and said "because I have great cheekbones", which anyone who looks at my picture in the top right hand corner of this blog could tell you! AND I GET NOTHING!

I MEAN, JUST CHECK THE CHEEKBONES OUT BELOW!




So *apparently* these cheekbones are *not good enough* for Captain Mal.



It put me in such a bad mood, I had to listen to Tom Waits. Luckily, Tom Waits has written the *greatest* Valentines Day song ever! Well... not really "luckily" coz it is Tom Waits. I mean, of course he has. AND HERE IT IS!




'And it takes a lot of whiskey to make these nightmares go away.'


I already showed you some pretty good goddamn poetry. But *if anything* this shit is even better! So here are the words to this song listed below in an easy to read fashion RIGHT HERE ON MY BLOG! No worries, just buy me a beer some time (via the "pay pal donate" button on your right).

BLUE VALENTINES

She sends me blue valentines
All the way from Philadelphia
To mark the anniversary
Of someone that I used to be
And it feels just like there's
A warrant out for my arrest
Got me checkin' in my rearview mirror
And I'm always on the run
That's why I changed my name
And I didn't think you'd ever find me here

To send me blue valentines
Like half forgotten dreams
Like a pebble in my shoe
As I walk these streets
And the ghost of your memory
Is the thistle in the kiss
And the burgler that can break a rose's neck
It's the tattooed broken promise
That I hide beneath my sleeve
And I see you every time I turn my back

She sends me blue valentines
Though I try to remain at large
They're insisting that our love
Must have a eulogy
Why do I save all of this madness
In the nightstand drawer
There to haunt upon my shoulders
Baby I know
I'd be luckier to walk around everywhere I go
With a blind and broken heart
That sleeps beneath my lapel

She sends me my blue valentines
To remind me of my cardinal sin
I can never wash the guilt
Or get these bloodstains off my handa
And it takes a lot of whiskey
To take these nightmares go away
And I cut my bleedin' heart out every night
And I die a little more on each st. valentines day
Remember that I promised I would
Write you...
These blue valentines
Blue valentines
Blue valentines

Flexibility. Or 'how we can screw you from as many positions possible'

'Yes. Well spotted Jenny! This mini-human will do *just fine* for our experiments!'


Jesus, this ad is pathetic. Not only is it a strong contender for "the creepiest piece of political propaganda ever" (or at least since the last time Christopher Pyne opened his mouth), it also seems as though Labor has simply given up. Christ, neither Gillard nor Macklin are even *trying* to kiss that baby! I know the Libs are well ahead in the polls, but surely they should make a bid for at least *some* votes.

At least it does have a message. About flexibility. For parents. To "balance work and family life". A noble goal indeed, and explains why Gillard and Macklin are forcing single parents to switch to the much lower Newstart allowance once their youngest child turns eight. Leaving parents up to $140 a fortnight worse off.

Adelaide's Single Parent Action Group spokesperson Sherree Clare commented: "Parents who are students [were] also cut from the Pensioner Education Supplement one month before the Newstart changes came into effect ... As a student I stand to lose $300 a fortnight when my youngest turns eight in May."

But what if you have a job? Clare said: "Working parents must be working 35 hours a week. If they are not they are forced to either find a different job or take on a second job, they lose 40c to the dollar after earning $31 a week and the cut-off amount from Centrelink is ridiculously low.

"Regardless of how many children you have, there is no extra allowance to compensate this. It is all set for a single person rate."

Clare explained exactly what this means for those affected parents looking for that badly sought after "balance of work and family life": "Many families who have been switched to Newstart have as little as $6 a week left after rent and power deductions to feed their children."

Flexibility. A word politicians use to describe their desire to screw you from as many positions as possible.




Lie to me then move on.

PS: To those whose response is, like totally shut up Carlo coz Abbott will be worse, well yes, but I direct you to my detailed philosophical examination of the nature of evil, inparticular how it relates to the interrelationship between its "greater" and "lesser" varieties. Also known as my last Carlo's Corner column. Also, here is a poem Thank You Feminist Gillard in which a parenting payment *and* Australian Council grant recipient expresses her gratitude to our Glorious Leader.